The “Positive” of “Negative” Feelings

By: Matthew Jacofsky

Beth walks into the office clearly upset with tears rolling down her face. She begins to describe how her son is skipping classes, doing more than his fair share of “experimenting” with drugs, and on his way to being kicked out of college.  As Beth continues to describe the situation she abruptly stops and says, “I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but to be honest I am very concerned about my son’s future, and quite frankly very sad about the situation.”

Similarly, David describes a recent incident where he felt so angry at a coworker for stealing his new merchandising idea and subsequently being passed over for a long overdo promotion.  Again, as describing what had happened David suddenly stops and says, “What’s done is done, I just wish I did not feel so angry, I wish I just didn’t feel anything.”

As a psychologist I am often dumbfounded when I encounter this all to common situation. Someone will be discussing a very significant event in his or her life. About halfway through the discussion this person will inevitably stop and say some variation of the statement “What’s wrong with me, why am I feeling this way” as if there was something wrong with what they were feeling.  The simple answer: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!  In fact, it makes total sense that they would be feeling this way.  Feeling a negative emotion in an adverse situation is not pathological, its’ called being human!

There is a common misunderstanding that the goal of psychology is either to get rid of negative feelings or help people create positive feelings.  However, this does not reflect the reality of life.  At times, we experience negative feelings. Given that there are all different types of situations the existence of negative feelings is quite understandable and in fact helpful.  Just because an emotion is “negative” does not mean that it is bad or inappropriate.

Indeed, according to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, emotions serve several positive functions.  More specifically, emotions:

1.  Influence and communicate important information to others in our life

2.  Motivate and prepare us for action

3.  Give us information about the situations we find ourselves in

However, not all negative emotions may be helpful. Unhelpful emotions can get in a person’s way of resolving a situation and/or make an already bad situation worse. According to Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy theory and practice, unhelpful emotions can often be recognized based on certain characteristics. Specifically, an emotion may potentially be unhelpful when:

1.  It is so strong or intense that it results in the individual engaging in maladaptive coping strategies to get rid or reduce it (e.g., drugs, fighting, avoidance)

2.  Interferes with the person’s ability to problem-solve resulting in them remaining “stuck” in a bad situation.

3.  Is accompanied by a intense/prolonged physiological response that interferes with the person returning to their original emotional baseline

4.  Is accompanied by “highly distorted” (e.g., all-or nothing/black or white) thinking patterns

5.  Is often met with “punishing” or avoidance behavior by others (i.e., as oppose to sympathy and support) resulting in the individual not getting the validation and practical help they want and need.

Conversely, emotions are helpful when they:

1.  Although are strong nonetheless prompt the individual to engage in adaptive coping strategies such as self-soothing, support seeking, etc.

2.  Problem-solving to help resolve or endure a negative situation without making it worse.

3.  Accompanied by a moderate physiological response that promotes healthy action in face of real threats to one’s personal safety, well-being, or goal attainment.

4.  Accompanied by thoughts that are more “balanced and optimistic” in nature

5.  Is experienced by the individual internally as strong or intense but prompts healthy responses as opposed to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness

6.  Are met with caring and empathetic responses by others resulting in the individual getting the validation and practical help they need.

Subsequently, it’s not the fact that an emotion is “negative” that makes it unhelpful. Instead, emotions can be considered unhelpful when they make bad situations worse, block our efforts at problem-solving or seeking support from others, or block us from achieving or living out our most cherished values and life goals.  It is important to remember that although negative emotions can be painful they are part of the full range of emotional experience.  Ironically, the more we are able to sit with painful emotions and listen to what they are trying to tell us the more likely we are able to endure hardships and create lives worth living.