Will You Be Your Valentine? Practice Self-Love Through Self-Compassion

By: Kaitlyn DeStefano, B.A., Sophy Kaplan, B.A., and Bridie Moriarty, PsyD.

Valentine's Day is often portrayed as a celebration of romantic love—filled with flowers, gifts, and visible displays of affection. While this day may feel joyful and affirming for some, it can also bring up complex emotions for others—loneliness, grief, self-doubt, or pressure to meet societal expectations. If Valentine's Day has ever felt more complicated than celebratory for you, you are not alone.

From a psychological perspective, Valentine's Day often activates deeply rooted beliefs about love, belonging, and personal value. When cultural messages suggest that being partnered equates to happiness or worth, those who are single, grieving a relationship, or struggling with self-esteem may find the day particularly difficult. This is where self-compassion becomes not just helpful, but essential.

Self-compassion refers to the way in which individuals respond to themselves in instances of perceived failure, suffering, or inadequacy (Neff, 2023). Self-compassion involves the ability for you to hold your pain with warmth, recognize your shared humanity, and treat yourself with the same kindness you would instinctively offer a close friend.

An example of self-compassion is when you make a mistake. When the mistake is made, you acknowledge that it happened and the limitations that might have led to it, while holding a level of grace to yourself in making the mistake, as you may grant to a close friend. With self-compassion, you allow yourself to grow from this experience without the added weight of harsh self-judgment.

Self-compassion can be broken down into two different dimensions: compassionate self-responding (CS) and uncompassionate self-responding (UCS). Compassionate self-responding (CS) is the positive dimension of self-compassion, and uncompassionate self-responding (UCS) is the negative dimension of self-compassion.

Compassionate Self-Responding (CS)

(Neff, 2023)

What does this sound like?

Self-Kindness: "This is a hard day, and it's okay to feel sad about it."
We are acknowledging the difficulties of the day while simultaneously being kind to ourselves about the feelings associated with it.

Common Humanity: "Millions of people are feeling this same ache right now. I am not alone in this."
We are acknowledging that this aching, hurt feeling is also experienced by millions of other people, which connects us with those around us–even if we don't know them personally.

Mindfulness: "I notice that I am feeling hurt. That's a feeling, not a fact about who I am."
We are acknowledging our emotions, while also noting that it is a feeling in the present moment, not necessarily a continuous fact about ourselves. Being present in the moment allows us to view our emotions objectively.

vs.

Uncompassionate Self-Responding (UCS)

(Neff, 2023)

What does this sound like?

Self-Judgment: "Everyone has someone. What's wrong with me?"
This is placing judgment onto ourselves for areas that can be out of our control. It is important to avoid the mindset of 'what is wrong with me', as it overemphasizes and places unnecessary judgment on the self.

Isolation: "I'm the only person who feels this pathetic on Valentine's Day."
This is incredibly isolating. It is making your emotions into something that only you feel, rather than acknowledging the possibility that others may be feeling similarly. It is important to remember that you are not alone in these feelings.

Over-Identification: "I'll always be alone. This feeling will never change."
This is actively perceiving the events of the day, or rather the emotions of the day, as something that is permanent and all-telling about your character.

Notice the difference? Both responses acknowledge the same painful moment, but compassionate self-responding (CS) holds that pain with warmth, while uncompassionate self-responding (UCS) amplifies it with judgment, isolation, and permanence.

The research is clear: practicing CS is associated with greater emotional resilience, lower anxiety, and higher life satisfaction (Neff, 2023). Importantly, self-compassion is a skill–not a personality trait–which means it can be developed and strengthened with practice.

What Self-Compassion Is NOT

One of the major barriers to the adoption of self-compassionate techniques is because of a few common misconceptions. Let's clear those up!

Self-compassion is NOT self-pity.
Self-compassion acknowledges pain and asks "what do I need right now". It is a way to move forward and recognize your needs.

Self-compassion is NOT self-indulgence.
Self-compassion involves noticing what you need emotionally, and actively working to choose the healthiest option to assist yourself. It is not necessarily over-indulgence, but rather a response to the need at hand.

Self-compassion is NOT weakness.
Research consistently shows that people who practice self-compassion are more resilient, not less. They actively accept feedback, recover from setbacks, and take accountability for their actions and emotions.

Self-compassion is NOT lowering your standards.
You can hold high expectations for yourself while also being kind when you fall short. Self-compassion makes an effort towards pushing for excellence because it removes the paralysis of perfectionism.

Self-Compassion and Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day can bring up difficult emotions, especially if it highlights loneliness, comparison, or unmet expectations. From a psychological perspective, self-compassion helps regulate emotions, reduce self-criticism, and promote healthier ways of relating to oneself.

Valentine's Day has the potential to intensify uncompassionate self-responding, particularly through comparison and unmet expectations. Social media, advertising, and cultural narratives often portray love in idealized ways, which can heighten feelings of inadequacy for those who do not see their experiences reflected.

From a psychological standpoint, self-compassion helps regulate emotional responses by softening self-criticism and promoting emotional acceptance. Practicing self-kindness allows individuals to acknowledge difficult emotions without being consumed by them.

Valentine's Day can serve as an opportunity to intentionally turn inward and strengthen the relationship you have with yourself.

Self-Compassion Practices for Valentine's Day

Challenge Your Inner Critic
Notice moments when self-critical thoughts arise. These may sound like "I should be happier," "I'm behind everyone else," or "I'm not lovable." Rather than engaging with these thoughts, try observing them as patterns of thinking, not facts.

In these moments, it could be helpful to try the "friend test". When you catch yourself in a self-critical thought, think to yourself: would I say this to someone I love? If the answer is no, then you deserve the same gentleness.

Celebrate Yourself
Take time to recognize your strengths, growth, and accomplishments—no matter how small they may feel. Self-celebration is not arrogance; it is acknowledgment. Choose activities that honor you and make you feel good.

Connect With Others
Valentine's Day does not have to be limited to romantic connection. Reach out to friends, family members, or chosen supports. Expressing gratitude and love in these relationships can be deeply fulfilling.

Practice Mindfulness
Pause throughout the day to check in with yourself. Notice your emotions without judgment and remind yourself that feelings are temporary. Mindfulness helps ground you in the present moment.

Redefining Love

Self-compassion encourages a broader definition of love—one that includes self-respect, emotional care, and meaningful connection in many forms. Love can be expressed through friendships, family, creative pursuits, community, and, most importantly, the relationship you cultivate with yourself.

A 5-Minute Self-Compassion Exercise for Valentine's Day

This exercise can be done anywhere–in your car, in bed, or during a quiet moment at work. It can be done when and where you need it most.

Step 1: Acknowledge your pain.
Place your hand over your heart. Say to yourself: "This is a moment of suffering." Don't minimize it. Don't dramatize it. Just name it and acknowledge that it is happening.
This step involves the compassionate self-response of mindfulness.

Step 2: Remember you are not alone.
Say to yourself: "Suffering is a part of being human. I am not the only person feeling this way right now." Imagine thousands of other people having this same experience today.
This step involves the compassionate self-response of common humanity.

Step 3: Offer yourself kindness.
Say to yourself: "I may be kind to myself at this moment. I may give myself the compassion and understanding that I need to move forward with the day."
This step involves the compassionate self-response of self-kindness.

Step 4: Choose one kind action.
Let's put words into reality. Ask yourself, "What is one thing I can do for myself right now that reflects care towards myself?" This could be a short walk, a phone call, a warm drink, or simply permission to rest.

This exercise is not about making the pain disappear. It is about changing your relationship with that pain from something adversary to a companion. It is about acknowledging your hardships while making the active choice to be kind to yourself in spite of them.

When Self-Compassion Feels Impossible: Seeking Support

For some, self-compassion does not come easily–and that is not a personal failure. If you have experienced difficulties in your life, such as trauma or chronic criticism, your nervous system may be wired to default to self-criticism as a protective mechanism. In these cases, professional support can make a meaningful difference.

Consider reaching out if:

• Self-critical thoughts feel constant and overwhelming, not just occasional.
• Valentine's Day (or other triggers) consistently lead to prolonged sadness or hopelessness.
• You understand self-compassion, but cannot practice it no matter how hard you try.
• Feelings of unworthiness are affecting your relationships, work, or daily functioning.

How therapy can help:
Therapeutic approaches like Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and mindfulness-based interventions are specifically designed to help build self-compassion skills in a supportive environment.

At the Bio-Behavioral Institute, our team of clinicians specializes in evidence-based approaches that help individuals develop healthier relationships with themselves. If this blog resonates with you and you would like to take the next step, we encourage you to reach out.

Phone #: (516) 487-7116
Email: info@biobehavioralinstitute.com

A Gentle Closing Reminder

There is no "right" way to feel on Valentine's Day. Whether the day brings joy, sadness, ambivalence, or a mix of emotions, your experience is valid. Practicing self-compassion does not eliminate pain—it changes your relationship with it.

This Valentine's Day, consider asking yourself: Will you be your own Valentine? Choosing self-compassion is an act of love—one that lasts far beyond a single day.

References

Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74, 193–218.

Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.

Muris, P., Van den Broek, M., Otgaar, H., Oudenhoven, I., & Lennartz, J. (2018). Good and bad sides of self-compassion: A face validity check of the Self-Compassion Scale and an investigation of its relations to coping, negative affect, and anxiety.