The Path to Self Acceptance

by: Matthew Jacofsky, Psy. D.

JUST BECAUSE OTHERS THINK IT WHY SHOULD I: THE VALUE OF

UNCONDITIONAL SELF-ACCEPTANCE

In our society there are those who may be unable or unwilling to “fit in,” but who nonetheless deserve to be thought of as more than “no good” or “worthless” and "undeserving” of happiness. Sadly, people often come to see themselves as worthless based on some aspect of themselves that they view as an all encompassing “flaw” and/or having been repeatedly told by others either through words or actions, that this flaw makes them somehow defective.

However, how do people come to view themselves or others as worthless, whatever the criteria may be? How is it that we can come to the conclusion that this one part defines who we are, or more importantly, determines how much “worth” or “value”we have to others or society.

According to the work of Albert Ellis, the creator of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT), people mistakenly endorse the ideas that (1) you can give yourself and others a global rating based on some trait or behavior and (2) that a person’s sense of overall worth or value can be determined based on that trait. For example, if “I look good, then I am good, and I have value.” Conversely, “if I look bad, than I am bad, and I am worthless and defective.”

This type of crooked thinking leads individuals to adopt certain beliefs or rules (even sometimes without even being aware) that come to dominate their lives and how they feel about themselves. Ellis believed that we have come to believe that others MUST approve and accept us and everything we do, because if they don’t then we MUST view ourselves as being “stupid,” “worthless,” “defective,” “unwanted” or “weak”.

To illustrate, lets say that my outward appearance does not fit what traditional standards of beauty are because I have some extra weight on my body. According to the above, because I am overweight I will tend to first label myself negatively as “fat.” Simultaneously, I will then come to the conclusion that because I am fat “I am no good as a person and therefore I must be worthless.” Wrongly people allow this one aspect of themselves, extra weight, to define their whole self, as opposed to just one among many traits (e.g. dependable, funny, intelligent, etc.) that they may possess. Unfortunately, others can reinforce these negative views if they share the same type of faulty thinking that we already maintain about ourselves.

The problem however is that other peoples’ thinking can be just as self-defeating as ours. As a result, we never are offered the opportunity to view the situation in an alternative light and to see more realistically that not only can we never define our self by one quality of ourselves, but that no one factor (such as appearance) could ever truly define our overall worth.

Fortunately, just because others think that way does not mean that’s how we have to continue to view ourselves or choose to live. Yes, there may be disadvantages of others disapproving of us based on some limitation. However, we do not have to compound that disadvantage by judging ourselves in the same self-defeating manner. Instead, we can choose what REBT has referred to as Unconditional Self-Acceptance.

According to REBT principles and practices, Unconditional Self-Acceptance, suggests that regardless of our traits and behaviors or how other people view us, we should simply acknowledge that we exist and should choose to stay alive, seek joy, and avoid pain. Moreover, instead of rating ourselves, it would be better to focus on rating our actions or traits in terms of how they help us achieve our important life goals and values, as opposed to our value or worth as individuals. In this case if I looked at my extra weight as “bad” it is only because it is not in line with my goals and values of being healthy or looking a certain way for some practical reason. Specifically, I am defining my weight as bad not because it says something about me or my worth as a person, but because it is not in line with my goals. As a result, I am now in a position to do something productively about my weight and reach my goals instead of judging my worth and myself. Indeed, self- defeating thinking in all likelihood leads to feelings of depression and ineffective behavior that either gets in the way of losing weight or makes one’s situation worse. By embracing unconditional self-acceptance, you may not only reduce the amount of distress you experience on a daily basis by no longer needing others approval or judging yourself based on some perceived flaw, but hopefully you will also give up the idea of defining your worth altogether and instead focus more on happy and emotionally healthy living.